South West Of England :: First Trains To Get 5G

A humorous article which poses a very serious question… ***A must read!

Trains which cover the South West, in the UK rail network, will be the first to get 5G!

Because that makes sense…!?!?!?

(WARNING :: This article is sarcastic, flagrantly ridiculous, because the subject matter is too… and, it’s downright disrespectful. Read on at your own peril…)

A recent article in Somerset Live outlines the plans, and reveals the stakeholders, that will make the South West the first UK rail network to have 5G.

According to Hugh Clancy, First Rail’s Commercial Director

With the ongoing support of Network Rail, this project will see South Western Railway become the UK’s first 5G railway.

Why?

No, really! Why???

Does any of this make any sense, whatsoever, to you?

Because, it sure as hell doesn’t make a shred of sense to me!

South West Of England :: First Trains To Get 5G

Why is the South West seemingly being singled out to spearhead the installation of 5G in the UK?

With 5G already operative in Bristol and Bath, the roll-out for which began in March 2018, anyone would think Bristol and Bath were of primary commercial importance to the UK.

Because, surely, 5G has to be a commercially driven imperative, doesn’t it?

When, all’s said and done, that amount of radiation ain’t going to be cheap, and investors are going to want to be properly compensated, and quite rightly so.

Bristol & Bath Illustriousness

With Bristol and Bath being the first cities in the UK to receive 5G, and the South West being the first rail network to be given the unparalleled honour of the first 5G train network, questions need to be asked… Like this one…

Has, the South West just become a seething hotbed of commercial productivity, putting the rest of the UK to shame?

Well! Has it?!

Course it has!

What!?!

Why else would the nation’s capital be passed over for all of these rather immense technological privileges? There must be some really big, fat cats investing in all of this who are wanting to see a considerable ROI…? (That’s, return on investment, for those of you who think LOL still means ‘lots of love’…)

Bristol & Bath, Not So Shabby Now!

Oh wait… news just in, Bristol and Bath are full of retired graphic designers and hippies as well as shit-loads of students, the latter of which will be up to their eyeballs in student debt for the foreseeable future… And no, Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley haven’t moved their Global Head Quarters to Asda, Bedminster or The Golden Fleece in Twerton, (no pun intended!)

London, Where’s that To?

Oh, so does that mean that London still remains the commercial and financial capital, as well as the actual capital of the UK?

I guess it must!

Hmmm… curiouser and curiouser!

So, the unbridled technology, that is 5G, has been unleashed on a population who think they have achieved technological mastery by creating a Facebook account, with an image of themselves presented laterally, instead of vertically, as though trying to read all of the subheadings in the left hand side bar, as well as those who have discovered the delights of Tinder and are using SnapChat as a means of emotionally extorting reams of distasteful nelfies from their cohorts…?

Surely not?

Er… yeah…!

London Bound

But, wouldn’t it make more sense to provide our investment bankers, from New Haw and Byfleet, and the wannabes from Staines-Upon-Thames, (again, every effort has been made to make the pun appear unintentional), with the technology they need to wade on into the financial markets on their early morning commutes?

How else are they going to be the architects of the next global financial disaster?

Now, you’re not going to tell me they’re going to achieve all that with a poultry 4G, are you?

Milton Friedman’s Neo-Liberal Economics

Boom and bust cycles can’t just be conjured up out of the dark ages you know? They are very much a mark of the modern era!

So, clearly, London should be getting all of this 5G technology, albeit of questionable safety, because, obviously, they really, really deserve it!

Postscript. To all of those living in London who don’t work in the corporate quagmire of the financial, insurance and technology industries, I apologise.